Hail to the Chief
by larrymcg
Summary: Imagine if Michael Scott were President of the United States. Imagine if Leo McGarry was his Chief of Staff. Imagine if you had to do a trademark SorkinSchlamme walking and talking scene with Kelly Kapoor. Well, here it is, a West WingOffice crossover.


It was morning in the West Wing and CJ Cregg had just finished a very tiring press conference. Once again, President Michael Scott had made a gaffe and she was sure to be spending the rest of her day covering it up. Chief of Staff Leo McGarry had called a senior staff meeting in his office and she was the first to arrive.

"'That's what she said'? He said that to the Queen?" Leo asked incredulously.

"Yeah, the press had a few questions about that."

"I can imagine! What the hell was I thinking?

"Having him meet the Queen? It was a great photo-op, Leo. Good publicity."

"No, I meant letting him out in public."

CJ smiled. "Yeah, sometimes I wonder how we got elected."

"Well, our opponent was Todd Packer, so we probably could've run your dog and won."

"I don't have a dog."

"Well, let me know when you get one and we'll draw up a platform. Is there anything else?"

"Yes. Jim Halpert should be arriving sometime today."

"That's great. This president is keeping us busy with one crisis after another. We need some more people in here."

"You're not upset that he worked for Josh Porter?"

"No, there were circumstances. It's a long story. I don't have time to get into it now. Where the hell is everybody else?"

"They still have a couple minutes left."

"When I call a meeting in ten minutes, that doesn't mean people should feel free to sit for nine minutes and then run down here!"

"You understand that I'm the one who was on time?"

Just then, Sam Seaborn, Josh Lyman, and Toby Ziegler all arrived in Leo's office.

"Glad you all could make it!" Leo snapped.

"We're on time," Josh responded.

"Shut up."

"Yes, sir."

Leo started the meeting, "I have a few things to go over. I'm sure you all have heard that the President insulted the Queen."

"Yeah, we all get television," Josh cracked.

"Josh?"

"Shutting up."

Leo continued, "CJ, let's try to keep the press under control for now. Chalk it up to a cultural exchange thing. Also, Jim Halpert will be arriving today to join the staff."

"We're really gonna go through with this?" Toby asked.

"Toby…"

"No, I mean we're really gonna trust this guy?!" Toby asked, his anger increasing with every word of the sentence.

"Our job approval is in the toilet. We need all the help we can get. He's coming, so get used to it."

"He reports to me, though, right?"

"Josh…"

"Because I'm not reporting to him, Leo. He reports to me and he reports to Toby."

"It doesn't really matter who reports to whom, because you all report to me! Got it?" Leo said. They all mumbled in agreement. "Excellent. Now he's bringing Kelly Kapoor with him. She'll join the communications team. If you haven't met her yet, then enjoy the introduction, because it will be a long one. And ANYONE who says 'That's what she said' can clean out their desks!"

Jim Halpert walked through the West Wing offices carrying a large box. He looked completely lost, but made his way over to Donna's desk. "Excuse me, I'm looking for my office?"

"Oh, you must be Jim Halpert. I'm Donna Moss."

"Donna, nice to meet you," he said, extending his hand.

She shook his hand, but was a bit distracted. She had no idea the new senior staff member would be so attractive. "Nice to meet you, too." Donna smiled and lost her train of thought for a moment.

"Uh, Donna?"

"Oh, right, your office! Sorry, I think it's over this way."

Jim let out a soft laugh while following her. "Thanks."

"So, have you been to D.C. before?"

"Uh, yeah, you know, I was working for a Congressman and then on a Presidential campaign, so I swung by every now and then."

"Right. Of course," Donna said, her attempt at flirting obviously not going over very well. "Well, here's your office."

"Thanks. Do you know if they've found me an assistant?"

"Yeah, I think they reassigned someone for you. I'll call and let them know you're here."

"Thanks."

"Well, I'll see you around," Donna said awkwardly, and began walking back to her desk.

"Hey, Donna?"

"Yes?"

"Actually, I was so busy when I was here before, I didn't really get to visit DC very much, so I probably could use a tour guide sometime."

"Oh, well, good luck with that." Donna started walking back to her desk, while Jim just stood there. After a moment, Donna turned around. "Wait, did you mean me?"

"Sure. That is if you don't mind showing a clueless guy around town."

Donna smiled. "I think I could manage."

President Scott had arrived back at the White House and was sitting at his desk in the Oval Office when Leo walked in.

"Mr. President, we have to talk," Leo said.

"Leo! Lego my Leo, how are you doing?"

"Yeah, that one doesn't make any sense."

"What did you say?"

"Nothing. Look, Mr. President, I think the Queen may have been offended by your comment."

"Oh come on, Leo, it was just a joke!"

"A joke you've used a thousand times and have offended the recipient almost every time."

"No way! People love that joke. Remember when I used it in the debate?"

"How could I forget?"

"That reminds me, Leo. We need to talk about firing the White House Counsel."

"Not again. We had this talk, Mr. President."

"I just can't stand him. Every time I try to fire someone or make a new proclamation, he makes some big deal about it."

"Yeah, your proclamations are something else."

"Come on, Leo! Breast Enhancement Awareness Day? That would've been great!"

"Listen, you've been through four White House Counsels already. You should be lucky that Flenderson was willing to take the job. He was in Costa Rica when I called him. It took quite a bit of convincing."

"Fine, whatever. Is there anything else I need to know about?"

"Jim Halpert and Kelly Kapoor are joining the staff today."

"Aha! Jimbo! Well, he's a smart guy. Not smart enough to pick the right candidate, though. It's okay, eventually everyone comes back to Big Daddy."

"Please don't call yourself Big Daddy."

"Why not?"

"At least keep it confined to the residence."

"Fine."

Toby was working on a speech in his office when Sam walked in. "Just wanted to let you know that Mallory is coming by for lunch today," Sam said.

"And?" Toby responded, clearly unhappy to be distracted.

"It's been awkward since the thing with Laurie, but I think she's going to give me a second chance," Sam said with confidence.

"Sam, look at my face. Do I care about this?"

"Right."

"One more thing, do not let that new communications person come near me today."

"You're a real people person, Toby."

"I'm serious. I have too much work today. If she comes near me, I'll kill you and then make sure the President pardons me."

"How will you do that?"

"I'll make him think he's signing a permission slip for magic camp." Realizing that this plan might actually work, Sam slipped out of Toby's office.

In Josh's office, all hell broke loose. Well, not so much hell as Kelly Kapoor beginning a sentence before Josh noticed she was there.

"Josh Lyman! Hi! Oh my god, it's so totally awesome to be working here. All the guys are soooooo cute, especially Sam. He kinda reminds me of that actor who got arrested for having sex with the underage girl. Or was it a hooker? I get so confused with him and that little British guy. I mean, I totally don't think he did it. Maybe he did. But whatever, because I bet Sam is amaaaaazing and he would never sleep with a hooker. Oh my god, do you know Sam? Can you talk to him for me? Please, Josh? Please, please, please, please, please, please, please?"

"Donnnnnnnnnna!"

"I'm coming!" Donna shouted from outside the office. "Hi," she said, smiling uncomfortably.

Josh looked at Kelly and said, "Can you excuse us, please?"

"Oh, sure, I'll be right outside."

"Thanks," Josh said. He waited for her to leave before scolding Donna. "What was she doing in here?"

"I'm sorry. I was showing Jim to his office."

"Well, you have to pay… wait, you were doing what?"

"Jim Halpert? I was showing him where his office was."

Josh rubbed his forehead in frustration. "OK, listen, you don't get paid to show other people to their office, especially him, and you don't get paid to let other people wander into my office, especially her!"

"Actually, I don't get paid very much at all, Josh. Would you like to talk about that?"

"Not really, Donna, so…"

"It's a very, very small amount. I'm surprised I've managed to keep my electricity on."

"Donna…"

"I mean, sometimes I think you could hire an illegal immigrant for less than you guys pay me."

Josh considered this. "Yeah, but we'd get hurt in the polls if anyone found out."

"That's funny," Donna said, clearly meaning the opposite.

"Could you please take whatshername…"

"Kelly?"

"Yeah, sure, could you please take her over to the communications office?"

"To Toby?"

"Actually, better make it Sam. We don't want to start the day off with a homicide."

The Assistant White House Counsel walked through the hallways on her way to see the President. As she arrived at the Oval Office, she was stopped by a Secret Service agent. "Question, what do you need to see the President for?" the agent asked.

"I have some forms for him to sign," she replied formally.

The agent whispered, "You know I have to treat you the same as anyone else."

"I understand."

"Let me see your identification!" he shouted, and this clearly turned her on. After she gave him the ID, he leaned over and whispered, "Will you need … protection later on."

"Well, I am a small woman, all alone at home, and I'll be cooking."

"Do you need a bulletproof vest?"

"I won't be wearing one." This caused the agent to smile and she returned the favor as they ogled one another.

Mrs. Landingham, who had witnessed this entire exchange, halted the proceedings before her brain fried. "Mr. President," she said to him via the office intercom, "Angela Martin is here to see you."

"Oh no, a Republican! Get away! Get away!!" he joked over the intercom.

Donna was showing Kelly the way to the communications office. As Kelly began talking and talking and talking, Donna's pace quickly increased.

"Wow, there are like, so many hallways here. I mean, it seems like we've been walking forever. That's okay, though, because it gives us plenty of time to talk and get to know each other, which is sooooo awesome, isn't it? I mean, I hope I don't get lost in all these hallways because Ryan says I don't have any sense of direction. Of course, that was before the creep dumped me so he could run for Senate, but that doesn't matter because I am so totally over…"

They finally arrived and Donna cut Kelly off by greeting Sam. "Hi, Sam!" she said a bit too eagerly.

"Hey, Donna," Sam replied, a bit confused by her overly enthusiastic greeting.

"This is Kelly Kapoor. She'll be joining the communications team."

"Hi, Kelly. I've heard a lot about you."

Donna slowly backed out of the room as Kelly began speaking. "Oh my god! I can't believe I'm talking to you! I see you on TV all the time. You are SO cute. I mean, all of the guys are cute, except Toby of course. Why is he so mean all the time? But you are definitely the cutest. Oh my god, so you write everything the President says, don't you? I guess not everything, because he says some pretty stupid stuff, like with the Queen, what was he thinking?"

"I see you communicate … a lot," Sam said, causing Kelly to giggle. "Wow, I didn't think it was that funny."

"You are sooooooo adorable. I want to just pucker up and kiss you all over."

"Well, I probably wouldn't stop you," Sam joked, but quickly realized that Kelly didn't get that as a joke, because she ran up to him and planted a kiss on his lips.

"Ahem!"

They both broke off their kiss to see Mallory standing at the door. "Mallory!"

"Hello, Sam," a clearly angry Mallory responded. "So who's this? Another hooker?"

"What?!" Kelly demanded.

Josh made his way over to Jim's office and walked in without knocking. "Hello, Halpert."

Jim looked up from his desk, which he had been organizing. "Josh, how's it going man"?

"Yeah, so I just wanted to make it clear that you report to me."

"Really, that's not what I was told."

"I'm the Deputy Chief of Staff."

"Deputy to the Chief of Staff? That's pretty impressive."

"No, it's Deputy Chief of Staff, and you report to me."

"Okay," Jim said sarcastically.

"Don't give me that 'okay' thing where you're being sarcastic and think the other person is an idiot. I hate that."

"Okay."

"Stop it! Oh, and another thing. My assistant works for me, not you."

"What?"

"Donna. She works for me. You have your own assistant."

"Oh, Donna. Yeah, she's cute."

This made Josh uncomfortable, although he couldn't explain why. "No, she's not cute"

"She's not?"

"She is cute. What I meant was… never mind. The important thing is, you report to me."

"Okay."

Later that day, Jim had another visitor at his office. This time the person knocked before walking in. "Someone said you needed an assistant," she said.

"Pam? Hi! I didn't expect to see you here."

"You didn't know I still worked here?"

"Well, last I heard, you were working for the First Lady."

"Yeah, that didn't go over so well.

"What happened?"

"She didn't seem to like that the President kept staring at me, in certain places," she said, emphasizing that last part so she wouldn't have to say it out loud. "I think that's what led to the..."

"Enhancement? Wow."

"Yeah," she said with a nervous laugh. "Hey, is this gonna be weird, me being your assistant?"

"No, that's great. We're friends, right?"

"Yep. Friends."

"Sounds great."

"I'm not getting you coffee."

"Wow. No, that's cool. I'm not even a big coffee drinker, so..."

"And don't think you can boss me around like Josh does to his assistant."

"You mean Donna?"

"Oh, you met her?" Pam said, trying to hide any jealousy, because why she should be jealous. They were just friends.

"Yeah, she seems pretty cool."

"Definitely."

"Pam?"

"What?"

"It's really great to see you again."

Pam smiled. "I'm still not getting you coffee."

"How about grape soda?"

"Maybe."

Mrs. Landingham walked in to the Oval Office to deliver a message to the President. "Mr. President, the first lady is on her way."

The President was clearly not excited by this news. "No, no, no. Tell her I'm in the situation room! No, tell her I'm on Air Force one. No, tell her I'm leading the troops into battle!"

"Mr. President, she knows you're here. She's already coming."

"That's what she said!"

Mrs. Landingham sighed, "Yes, Mr. President, it is."


End file.
